god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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