At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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