They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
