Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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