I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Randomize
