I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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