I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
