Screwed.edu
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize