i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
