the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
