What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
