So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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