I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
