apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
