his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
