I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
