chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the day after is always just damage control
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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