Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
