Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
