Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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