You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
