Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
