whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
