The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
