ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
