i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
