I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
