you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
