i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
