She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
