I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
