in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
