I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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