Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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