The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
