Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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