I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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