You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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