is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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