i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
