Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
