Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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