broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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