my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
