Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
