i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
