3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
