Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Sponge bath it is.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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