yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
