I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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