But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
