Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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