He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
