He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
