so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
