Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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