i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
