My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
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