Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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